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| Peter Paul Rubens |
I suppose it’s too much to ask but I was hoping one of the
world’s leading art museums would offer me a very large painting by Peter Paul
Rubens, the 17th century Flemish nude master. It would have to be very large, with several
large naked women running about and a man mounted on a galloping horse sweeping
one of the women up, her legs attractively kicking and her arms flailing as
would any maiden’s when filled with anxiety.
Her red lips are breathlessly parted and her pink breasts flushed and
heaving in a manner that remains ladylike throughout the entire ordeal.
Yes, I think this nicely describes the oil painting that
fills one wall of my living room. There’s
going to be something of a problem getting it through the front door. It’s far too big. But I refer you to the tried and true rule of
thumb – where there’s a will there’s a way.
We’ll leave that problem to the experts.
Once installed there’s an awkward furniture situation. I don’t want anything blocking one inch of my
Rubens. This requires an afternoon of
moving everything about. It’s almost too
cramped to get around but I’ve solved everything except where I’m going to put
the big screen TV. The china cabinet needs
to go to the garage. The lady of the
house naturally objects but I remind her that we all have to make
sacrifices.
Of course, now that the cabinet is situated near the water
heater there’s the problem of having no place for the mower and lawn
tools. The obvious solution is to
replace the yard with a vast Zen garden, complete with sand, gravel and a large
rock. A quick store run and I’ll pick up
a nice bench for quiet contemplation of my rock.
I love my rock. I
love my painting. I sit for hours just
admiring my Rubens. I must invite
friends over. Having no idea what is in
store for them they are, needless to say, astounded by the magnificent painting
once they step through the door. It is
truly overwhelming. The wife makes
refreshments and we treat ourselves to baloney on cracker hors d’oeuvres as we
chat excitedly about our marvelous good fortune. How does he create those extraordinary skin
tones? It’s a pity more people aren’t
intimately familiar with the brushwork of Rubens.
Friends ask me how much I pay to insure this
masterpiece. I don’t know. It’s all paid for by the museum as part of
the deal. Anyway, can you imagine a
burglar trying to get it through one of our windows and then hauling it off in
the back of his pickup? We also have one
of those house alarm systems where someone yells at any intruder.
“Hey, get your hands off the painting! Make sure you lock the door as you
leave.”
I accidentally set the alarm off once and that’s exactly
what they say. Believe me, it’s no fun
being yelled at. I phoned and got it all
straightened out. We had a good laugh
and the cops couldn't stop talking about the magnificent painting. What kind of club do you have to join to have
something like this installed in your house?
I told them all it took for me was a nicely written letter. I find I can get a lot done if only I have
the proper attitude. It’s something we
all need to keep in mind.
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