Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Good Morning Jessicca...

Letter to my Daughter
Sunday, 1 December

T r a i n    M a n

Everett lived in a caboose at the end of a long train.  He had been a railroad man serving the great Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe for many years.  He had a number of duties, none too taxing, and he performed them reliably and well.  People might say he spent his whole life serving the railroad.  In his own mind, though, Everett saw himself as being a witness to the world that traveled past his window.  It was a vast panorama, populated by diverse people going about their business, creating their own stories, and all seen by Everett from a respectful distance.  He felt he knew and understood any number of them and he often spoke of their personal desires and trials while in long, thoughtful conversation with the favored people that populated his mind.  They would sometimes pose questions so that they might better understand the characters he saw.  Mostly the voices he heard were those of long-time friends but there were also a few adversarial types that questioned him more critically about the information he offered.  They found him most often prepared with well-considered opinions and a few colorful anecdotes to back him up.  They might appear a bit rude in the tone of their inquiry but it was perfectly alright with Everett because it kept his powers of observation sharp.

The person he most enjoyed speaking with was Diane.  He’d met her long ago while at an unscheduled stopover in a small town outside Albuquerque.  The train was parked on a sidetrack until the following afternoon while repairs were being made.  Everett had only time to kill so he walked over to a café on the road that paralleled the tracks.  It was a very small place with a short counter and only a few small tables with two chairs apiece lining the windowed wall.  This must be a family business he thought as the cashier looked to be the daughter of the old man doing the cooking.  Everett chose the eighty-nine cent breakfast of two eggs, toast and coffee included.  He was a bit surprised to find they didn’t ask how he wanted his eggs or coffee.  They just handed him scrambled eggs, wheat toast and coffee with cream and sugar.  He wasn’t about to fuss.  He was sure it would be good. 

Everett first saw Diane when he turned to find a table.  She sat in a corner partially obscured by shade, an empty coffee in front of her.  

“Bring me a fresh coffee and come sit with me,” she said.

Everett had the cashier pour a fresh cup and carried it on a tray with his food, sitting down across from her.  She smiled and casually took the cup from him.  They exchanged names.  Everett barely heard her say the name Diane as he was caught up in appreciating her eyes and her full, deep-colored lips that accented her dusky-scented skin, which elicited for him an image of Sicilian olive groves and hot-blooded women in peasant scarves.  Everett suddenly felt very pleasant and offered to share with her his eggs.  Diane made some comment about how bright the desert sun was this early in the day while she reached for the fork and began to eat.  Her attitude made it appear as though they were old friends picking up a conversation from the previous day.  It was as if she already knew all that there was to understand about him and this might have irritated Everett except for the fact she had spared him the embarrassment of having to explain himself to her.  Ceremony and formal politeness often left him tongue-tied. 

Between carefully selected bites of egg she briefly mentioned that there was a bit too much salt on them for her taste.  Diane talked at great length of desert snakes and birds of prey and of poets she liked and of the poetry she wrote, all in silver ink on dark paper that reminded her of papyrus.  Finally she said the only poets of any worth were all women.  She paused to study his face.  He thought she was overly opinionated but he felt captured by her soft, teasing approach and animated manner.  The color of her lips was a natural, deep maroon and he kept wondering how they must feel.  What?  She had asked him a question.

Everett smiled weakly and said, “I haven’t read all that much poetry.”

“Of course you haven’t.  What do you do with yourself Everett?”
“I’m with the railroad.  That’s my train over there.  I live in the caboose.”
“Really!  That must be interesting.  Where do you go?”
“Well most everywhere between Chicago and Los Angeles really - so long as there’s a track.”
“Well Everett that makes you a man of the world, doesn’t it?  I’m impressed.  Have you a stove and all in that caboose of yours?”
“I’ve actually got most everything you could ever want inside.  There’s an old pot-bellied stove, a table and a couple of chairs and a bed, of course.  I’m gone most all the time.  I have to sleep somewhere.”
“I so envy you.  Your home is on wheels.  You mind that I come and see it?”

Everett spent the remainder of the day enchanted.  Diane proceeded to make herself right at home in Everett’s world and he couldn’t have been more pleased.  She was royalty walking through his threshold.  It flattered her to have his undivided attention and she grew fond of him, teasing him and gently toying with his emotions.  His heart positively began to race as darkness fell and she showed no inclination for leaving.  They had become very comfortable together.  Everett found a long-lost inner voice he could share with her as they lay together in the darkness.  There truly was beauty in the world and his heart captured it all as he felt the warmth of her breath against his ear.  He dared to think of taking her off to Timbuktu and making sure he had her all for himself.  Eventually she would drift off into sleep but Everett was too enthralled with her at his side, his mind alert to her every move.   A cool light fell on them from a window and revealed to Everett a sky rich with stars.  He listened to the soft breathing of Diane’s slumber before, he too, finally lost consciousness and they passed together into the night.

There was the bare inkling of dawn when Everett awoke.  Diane was pressed up against him.  Her right leg draped over him, holding him to her.  He carefully laid his hand upon her thigh.

“You awake?”, she whispered.
“Yes.”
“How did you sleep?”
“Hardly at all.”
“You like me.”
“Yes.”
“A lot?”
“I love you.”
“Oh!  I love you, too – a little.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I love you, but – I have to leave.”
“Why?”
“Why?  Because I have a boyfriend.”

Everett was silent.

“He’s far away.  I’m going back to him today.  This morning.  Very soon.”
“You’re not fair.”
“Love isn’t fair, Everett.”
“I need you to stay with me.”
“I like you.  You’re a good man.  We’ve had our time together.  Now you have my memory.  That will have to do.”

Diane insisted on walking away alone, before the sun fully shone.  Everett stood watching, fighting the numb; fighting the anger.

Everett managed to frequent the café outside Albuquerque a couple more times, hoping without any real hope that he’d once again meet Diane there.  Then the café closed.  It was soon nothing more than a derelict shell amidst the creosote and sand.  He would occasionally glimpse the deserted hollow from his window on the passing train and it would faithfully revive the memories of that one day.

Everett lives in his caboose.  He speaks of the world passing his window.  And Diane listens.


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Good Morning Jack...

Letter to My Son
2 December, Sunday

Life is what happens while we are busy planning other things.  I heard it yesterday.  I've heard it before.  I keep forgetting how true it is.  Still, I wouldn't change our approach. We are so vulnerable to life's random inequities as individuals but a society of persevering individuals has a way of giving reality to great achievements.  After all, biologically we ourselves are made up of nothing more than a trillion plus expendable single cells united together in producing a single, absolutely remarkable consciousness.


Good Morning Jack…

I remember my grandparents’ phone number of umpteen years past:  CYpress 5–1670.  It’s one of those small pieces of information that persists in memory without effort.  I remember not liking the taste of a cupcake piled high with too much frosting while eating lunch one noon in the cafeteria when I was in the second grade.  I remember trying to read a Black Hawk comic in the gloom light of the earliest rise of an El Paso sun one December morning in 1957.  Then there is the feeling of eating spring onion in scrambled eggs while sitting across the table from a woman I hardly knew and would never see again.  Even as we struggle with memory at an age when the mind looses its flex much like one’s joints there remain obscure facts, thoughts and impressions that litter our consciousness much like long forgotten shoes scattered among lint balls, waiting for rediscovery beneath one’s familiar bed. 

What mechanism locks random bits of life forever into our existence?  Or do you believe these stored everyday dribs and drabs to be nothing more than an untidy attempt at biological file keeping?  I certainly believe physical reality is dictated by some broad rule of cause and effect.  At the same time I think biology provides a very imperfect vessel to sustain life.  It does its best to improve upon its design but it all appears frozen in place during the course of a single lifetime.  Take the example of the once useful appendix that is in the process of a slow motion dissolve and will outlast the configuration of our own species if our efforts at genetic self-redesign ignore it. 

I know little of the science of biology.  I mostly speculate from the layman point of view.  I’m comfortable with the thought that music lures misplaced memories from dark, musty corners.  The emotions expressed in a song often reintroduces us to similar emotions associated with a long forgotten event.  An easy example of this is when the early feelings of romance is reestablished when a couple, once again, hears their song.  Of course, current circumstance will lend its own flavor for each participant and the favored emotion may no longer be shared, at least not in the hoped-for manner. 

The point I’m circling with all this is that I think any memory of lasting endurance is associated with emotion of one sort or another.  It isn’t at all surprising to long remember the phone number of dearly loved grandparents.  Imagine how disturbing it would be for a child with a near indiscriminate sweet-tooth to toss out a cupcake thick with frosting because of its hideous taste.  I remember absolutely needing to read a particular comic book adventure, too impatient for daylight while, at the same time, considering the motherly admonition that all this eye strain will lead me to blindness.  Breakfast with a woman can evoke powerful domestic impulses even though other considerations reduce the relationship to one with no future.  Every memory relies on a linked emotion of uncommon degree if it is to bridge decades swollen with new experience. 

This all seems plausible because they involve fundamental human experience, steeped with feeling.  How, though, do we explain memory involved with retaining an understanding of something algebraic – for instance, using the square root to solve a quadratic equation?  What is the emotional link utilized here to impress upon memory such an abstraction – seemingly dry of human content?  Well, if you have no interest in math you will probably rely on rote memorization – mental tricks that will enable us to retain a thought long enough to get us past an exam or some other form testing our mental retention.  People that flourish in math, or any field of study, are said to have an aptitude for that subject.  Can someone show an aptitude for something in which they have no interest?  It doesn’t seem likely if by a personal aptitude we intend to identify the endeavors where one is most likely to succeed.  Interest alone does not guarantee mastering a subject.  One’s mental capacity is obviously critical.  But mental capacity alone is also inadequate if one is to achieve something more than a superficial appreciation of difficult subject matter.  The motivating promise of wealth and status in return for a subject’s mastery is no substitute for one’s own compelling interest in the matter.  Is interest emotion?  It is experienced subjectively, isn’t it?  When we focus on topics interesting to us, we gain emotional reward.  When we are deprived of interests, we feel desolate.  We suffer long lines and boring lectures.  We are enthralled by a favored video game.  If we remember details of waiting a long period doing nothing it is because of the intensity of emotion that experience evoked in us.

Can I say that all intellectual processes are in some measure fueled by emotional energy of one manner or another.  It seems to follow to me but let us think on it together.  Differing minds with contrasting emotional motivations can arrive at surprising conclusions.  There are just too many variables in reality for any one mind to process – or remember.  In fact, Jack, I can be so caught up in my train of thought that I forget the whole purpose of writing this letter in the first place.  Enjoy all the great football playoffs during this month.

Love,
          Dad


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Good Ol' Days

Good Ol' Days
Letter to my son Jacob
Sunday, 1 April
C L I C K     T O     E N L A R G E

Picture:  800 x 465  -  Wikipaintings
Winslow Homer - Snap the Whip

Welcome to April.  We’re well into Spring and only a couple of healthy months from another summer vacation.  As a kid the first day of having the summer off was when I savored the thought of twelve weeks away from school.  What an extravagant blessing to be gone for so long.  How was it the grown ups could be so generous?  It wasn’t like them to allow a kid so much unproductive time to do as their heart pleased.  Sure enough, there had been an ulterior motive.  In the rural America of the past, when most everyone lived on a farm, summer was the busiest time.  There simply was too much to do to have their children being diverted by school.  Having kids meant additional mouths that must be fed but they were also free labor.  During the hot days of July and August it’s a guarantee I wouldn’t be frolicking in the park as a kid or eating grapes while watching TV.  I’d be out weeding the fields all day… after I cleaned out the fly infested stables.  There was equipment to repair and animals that needed tending.  I don’t know about you but being stooped over pulling weeds for hours on end in ninety degree weather is going to make me irritable.  I’d much prefer dozing in a shaded classroom. 

Now days most of us don’t live on farms.  We don’t grow our own food and sew our own clothes.  If you had baking soda you could use it to brush your teeth.  It you had a toothache a dab of kerosene on the gum might make things seem a bit better.  There wasn’t any indoor plumbing.  Hopefully the outhouse was well away from the kitchen because it can get pretty ripe in hot weather.  Show extra caution when using it after dark.  Sometimes a snake or rodent will startle you when opening the outhouse door, day or night.  We won’t even mention the spiders that like dark crannies.  Also, use your own imagination when it comes to the bucket of corncobs within reach of where you sit.  That’s summer.  What about winter?  There’s a harsh wind blowing and its bitter cold, below freezing.  You’ve got to use the outhouse.  Rain, snow. sleet – none of that matters when you have to go.  Bundle up as best you can and trudge your way to the little shack out back.  Let’s hope the leak in the roof has been fixed.

Anyone thinking those were the good old days hasn’t lived it.  Movies are about entertainment, putting people in seats with a bag of popcorn.  They will romanticize very selective portions of human existence and wish away what constituted most of the day.  There was a movie starring Gary Cooper about the real life of Sgt. York, a World War I hero.  In the film Sgt. York’s wife was played by a beautiful and charming Hollywood actress.  No wonder Cooper was so in love with her.  The real Sgt. York was just as committed to his wife but she had lost her teeth at an early age and smoked a pipe.  Sgt. York wasn’t any Gary Cooper, either.  No one’s going to buy tickets to watch tender moments shared by the honest to gosh Yorks.  There’s a limit to voyeur entertainment.

I think our memories are as selective as the movies.  There isn’t that much memory space for it to be otherwise.  What amazes me is what my mind chooses to remember.  Often my memories are of what would seem totally inconsequential moments.  Think about it.  I bet it wouldn’t take long searching your memory before you found insignificant incidents that happened many years ago.  They were little moments having no apparent value.  My childhood memories are filled with them – seagulls hanging out by the school’s trash incinerator; a particular tree lying on the ground discovered during a walk in the woods; a cupcake with green frosting in the school cafeteria.  I wouldn’t choose to save these memories but something in my mind decided they were impressive.  It’s not just childhood.  There are moments throughout life we hold onto even though they have no punch line, they deserve no crescendo.  Something about these moments must seem wondrous.  They are the items of poetry, often overlooked in our search for grand gestures, but somehow reach to our very core existence.  They share the stage with moments we select for our scrapbook. 

It’s Sunday.  You may find during the course of this day a memory suitable to linger with you for life.  On the other hand, you may have to wait until Monday, a school day, to find just such a memory.  You broke the lead in your pencil writing on a piece of paper and forty years from now that experience once again comes to mind.